Asking the right Question

Blessed is he who realizes that he is not perfect,but takes time to better himself...

We ask so many question throughout the day, to become more knowledgeable than we were the day before.. But I think one very important question that we neglect to ask another person is, "What do you think of me"?...  You see, although many may say that what others think  of them, is not important, I don't believe that, well to an extent I do, I do think that what persons close to you, think of you, is extremely important.. See often times we place ourselves on a pedestal, where we somehow think that we are doing everything as it should be done, whether in relation to our children, our relationships,friendships,family matters, work, whatever it be. And yes we know that we aren't perfect, but reality is, most of us only know that in theory.. You know.. "No one is perfect"... But do we really look at the situations that arise in our lives and take blame, accept responsibility, apologize and try to make ourselves better? Or is it easier for us, to blame the other party, and walk away either bitter or with guilt pulling at everything inside you, but pride saying"forget that, you don't need anyone throwing anything in your face"... 

Sometimes it's easier to not accept responsibility in the failure of a marriage/relationship/friendship/attitude or actions of your child.loss of a job, it's easier to notice the faults of someone else, and not look within ourselves. Sometimes without knowing it, our actions or words, affect persons very close to us, negatively, and while yes it is our life to live, we also need to take others into consideration, because no man is an island, and we would want others to keep in mind, how their actions may affect us.

Take time to ask a question, take time to ask persons how they think you can make yourself better, what they would want from you, you can tell them what you may want from them, sometimes it may be really simple things, a hug, a shoulder, things that you may think you're giving, and really you're not. 

Maybe you want your partner to be more affectionate, but he isn't(at least not in a way that you recognize), and he doesn't realize that he lacks in that department  and you aren't saying anything because you don't think you should have to say it, because you believe that you show him affection,and so there you are with all that built up anger you accumulate from not actually telling your partner you want him to be affectionate, which translates into you not showing much affection, and then your partner now is looking at you and maybe thinking, gosh I wish she would show me some affection. And then there is this never ending cycle, because no one is asking a question or speaking out. 

Same goes for your child, you may want he or she too listen when you speak, but you don't listen to him/her when he/she speaks, and yes you are the parent, and he/she is the child, but he/she is also human, and they have opinions,they have voices and they have feelings. 
Everyone wants a little recognition, acknowledge it, everyone sees room for improvement in their loved ones, tell them, and take into consideration that they may see room for improvement in you.

Let's become a society where saying is not enough, but doing is what we require. The question is not whether or not you love, or appreciate,but it's how you show it. Have a blessed day 

Rihanna - What Now (Unapologetic)

A little love goes a long way

I'm a feeler... Well I'm not sure if that's the correct terminology, lol.. But I feel people's pain when they speak to me, call it whatever you want.. I say I'm a feeler. I haven't been able to distance myself as well as I would like, cause I'm also an extremist.. It's one extreme to the other. But I don't always see this as a curse, because I'm usually able to tell two sides, be logical and explain what needs to be explained.. Be the voice of reason and everything. So with that being said, I have something really important to say.. 

When i experienced some difficult times with my mom, I was able to turn to some very supportive persons, yet one person really stood out for me and made me realize that within my own self that I did not always look at both sides when it came to my own life, which I guess happens alot with persons. So anyway this amazing woman(My Mother In Law to be :) ) told me that maybe my mo was hurt before and that hardened her heart a bit, and without even knowing it, she transfers that hurt unto those who love her the most. And that I should let her know that I love her and try to understand where she was coming from. Really it sounds like common sense but really it wasn't at the moment, I guess because I was the one in the situation. Whatever the reason, I'm glad I heard it, and I thin that made me realize a lot of things after, pertaining to other persons and their issues..

Sometimes we think that we're so great and we do all that we can do for everyone else, and that they should be extremely grateful for what we do. But really, sometimes we fall short in the eyes of our loved ones, sometimes we aren't so great as we think, not that we're completely bad, but just that we're not perfect. Sometimes people have their own demons to fight and they aren't able to praise us for putting a meal on the table and providing the basics necessities, but that doesn't give us the right to assume that they're ungrateful. The world changes everyday, and everyday most of us lose sight, and we focus on ourselves and forget that like us, other persons have issues, as young as they may be, but not because someone doesn't have the same issues or problems like you, that doesn't mean that they are valid. 

Remember that sometimes all we need is a hug, some encouraging words, some I love you's and a cup of tea... Shared responsibility and communication also makes it a whole lot better :).... Lol so remember to keep in mind that sometimes when we think that we show our love by doing the basic things another human requires, sometimes that's not enough, they need to hear it.. I'm sure you do at times... Be the change you want to see in others... It starts within. 

To My Danny with Love..

Hi Danny, how are you?.. I know we haven't been as close as we should be, because I'm really not that much older than you.. I guess it's my fault, because I've never really reached out.. But that's gonna stop from today. I'm here to talk to you, wanted it to be open and honest, and for the World to see that you're loved..

Let me say that you're beautiful, inside and out, always have and always will be, regardless of what anyone may say, and frankly it doesn't really matter what anyone says, because everyone has their faults, so let me say that if someone picks at your flaws, it's only because they're in denial about themselves. But that doesn't mean that you live up to their negative assumptions, live above it, take each negative word that they throw your way, and build yourself higher, at first you may cry about it, be mad about it, but don't ever live up to it, don't stay down, because you were destined for greatness. 

Remember to always keep a good head on your shoulders, yes you're at an age where boys are the best thing out there, but really they aren't. You are priceless, act like it, because you know what? These same guys you meet now, who may want you to go through hell and back to prove to them you care, they're gonna be the same ones you see in the street years from now, doing the same thing they're doing now.. Nothing.. It's happened, to many women before you. You'll grow to realize that the sweet words they say, mean nothing, it's simply a way to get sex, yes you'll have feelings, even fall in love, but keep in mind that it probably won't lasts like you pictured it in your head. Take pride in yourself, know that you're worth something, you're not cheap, don't make yourself affordable to someone who can only buy KFC and give you children. 

Be smart and know that you don't want or need drama in your life, walk away from it, and any guy who brings it to you, doesn't care, don't make excuses, any friend who brings it into your life, leave them behind, they were not a friend to begin with. Any family member who speaks it into your life, rebuke it. You are not negativity... 

Yes you will fall short, but you won't remain there, yes you will want love, and when God is ready he'll send it. And he'll send something that never in a million you thought you would experience. Things may not always go the way you want it too, but it will always go the way it should have. 

Remember you're a child of God, have respect, ask for forgiveness for the wrong you've done, accept your faults, try to improve them, learn to forgive and move on. Everything will fall into place. Just believe it will.. Do positive thing, and positive things will follow, be honest, and if you think that you can't be honest about certain things, then you shouldn't be doing it, lol I've learnt this and so I'm sharing it with you... Let as the months go by, you're the person you really want to be. Not the person you think your friends will like, but the person you're proud to be! 

If ever you feel like you have to choose between actions that your friends will like and actions your family will approve of, choose the latter, it will pay off, you don't have to be lame, but remember that there is a life after school, you will meet people after, you will fall in love, you will go to University and be thrown into a whole different world, and you don't want negative things you did in the past, to follow  you, because they don't stay behind..

So with this being said, I love you, I hoped I touched something in your heart and Remember that I'm always here... Without judgement. 

Not all men are dogs.....

So a lot of females tend to say that all men are dogs, but maybe it's just the guys you go after, and maybe they aren't dogs, maybe they just werent the guys for you, yall were not compatible. Things happen, but remember that you aren't perfect, you have flaws, you fall short, he probably expected certain things from you that you couldn't or didn't give to him, things that he expects or expected his future wif to do, you may be wifey material for some, not everyone! The same goes for a man. He may not be your Prince, but he might be someone else's. 

You aren't the best woman there is,be honest with yourself.

You're black! Accept it

I'm not sure if I ever spoken about this here, but I know that I'm tired of saying it. I'm not sure about countries and cultures, but in my country (Trinidad and Tobago), persons have a way of breaking down everything they're family is mixed with and then claiming that they're mixed.

LISTEN!!!!! Not because your father's father's great grandmother's sister's niece who married Uncle Benny's cousin was french, means that you're mixed with French!!! Get a grip!! If ninety five percent of you is black, then you're black!!!! Embrace it! It;s unique, uplift it, don't fight it!! Damn!!

Learning when to forgive

Sometimes we want to keep someone in our lives so bad, that we  overlook every fault they possess. And some even say 'I don't live in the past" in order to justify why they tolerate and "forget" the wrong done to them. Some may disagree, and some may agree, I get forgiving your partner, because we are humans, and we do make mistakes, but forgiveness and forgetfulness should be given and done when you see promise in your partner, when you see them making an effort to correct their mistake, when they take ownership of the wrong they've done. If you continuously and conveniently forgive and forget because  you want to keep him/her, you're selling yourself short every time. If after so many times of me doing something wrong, and you forgive every time without me even having to say sorry, or maybe you give me the option of saying sorry when I feel like it,while you still stick with me, I'll tell myself you don't think very much of yourself and you need me,that's why you let me do whatever I want.... And you know what? I'll do just that, every time. 

Yes you've put time in,but think of how much time you're going to waste if you don't address and fix your issues. Work on them together, listen, explain and be honest, say when something affects you, but don't say it in a way where you come off as you do everything perfectly, because the truth is we view ourselves differently from what people actually see. Give it a try today :)

Dee Dee - Stuck on you

If you always look for the negative. You will always find it.....

Sometimes, because we've had negative experiences, we tend to look at things negatively. For example, you're used to persons being deceitful or unwilling to help you. A situation arrives where someone may not have gotten around to helping out, and the first thing you tell yourself is that they aren't a true friend or your mind comes up with 100 different often incorrect reasons as to why someone didn't give you their hundred percent, or undivided attention. 

And as I said that, no one is entitled to give your their full, undivided attention. And not everything that everyone says, should fall in your garden, or is meant for you to take to heart. You are not the center of everyone's universe. 

I'm no genius but i'm no ones dumbass

Please let's get this straight. Disrespect isn't only found in words,it's also found in actions. 
If a man or woman constantly undermines your efforts in a relationship, doesn't take your feelings into consideration, blatantly shows you that he doesn't care(except for when it comes close to him not being able to have sex with you anymore), then he/she is disrespecting you, you're just sex to the person. Any person who truly loves you and is mature enough to be in a relationship won't do you like that constantly. 

So please don't wait till i becomes verbal disrespect to say "I'm not taking any disrespect  . Because you've been taking it, why do you think he/she is verbally disrespecting you now???.......(Giving you a moment to process).... good

So when your partner disrespects you with their actions, let them know that you won't stand for it, don't just let it slide, and expect that he/she won't do it again!!! How dumb is that??? You sit and show him/her, that you don't value yourself, yet you want them to value you???.....ummmmm.... 

Please leave me out!

Ok, so I've finally been here, more than enough times, and I think it's about time that I say something. Please leave me out of your relationship drama. I do not want to be apart of your falling out/fight/argument or whatever may happen. It puts your friends and family in an awkward position when you get them involved in your relationships dynamics!. It's a place where no outsider should go. Example

Jack and Jill had an argument, Jill then tells her friends and family about the fight, of course Jill exaggerates, and makes Jack look like he's just an asshole, and she did nothing wrong, or maybe she did something really small which of course she just through in to make her story believable. So now friends and family hearing this, after maybe a lot of fights, come to the conclusion that she should leave Jack alone because he is of no good they advise her on what they think is best(given the information they have received). Jack then tries to clear his name with the said friends and family, and in doing so, has shared information that wasn't heard before. Now they(friends and family) are placed in an awkward position. Should I tell Jill i know this new information?Or should I keep quiet because I don't want to make it worst. Lets look at scenario number one. 
So they inform Jill that Jack has given them the true details of what happened, Jill gets angry at Jack, Jack then gets angry at friends and family for saying anything. That relationship between Jack and family may now be destroyed, because he feels as though he can no longer trust them.(WHEN IN REALITY HE SHOULDN'T HAVE CALLED) Jack apologizes to Jill, they make up. Friends and family are no estranged to the couple, because of what was said. 

Scenario number two: Family and friends withhold the information for fear of making things worst between the couple. Jack and Jill make up, Jack tells Jill he told friends and family certain things, and then Jill becomes enraged that friends and family spoke to Jack and didn't tell her... (NOT FOR ACTUALLY LYING TO THEM)

See? either way it doesn't go well. So before you act like ten year olds, and share your relationship problems with everyone, just to be backed up. Take the time, talk it out, make love and move on. 

If it offends, ask yourself why

Damn I can't stress enough how irritated I get when a female tolerates mess from a guy, doesn't say anything, and then expects something to change. And worst yet, if they involve me in the drama, or tell me of the bs they've experienced, and then, me being who I am, try to help. Only to be ignored. 

I'm not saying start a fight every time, and i'm not saying to leave the one you're with, but when you're unhappy in your relationship, it's always best to speak to your partner about it, rather than a friend. You see, although they may care, and although you need someone to speak too, you become a burden eventually, especially if you do nothing about the situation except complain about the guy. Sometimes guys aren't aware of what they do to offend or hurt you, and other times, they are, but they just don't give an ass. If you know that the guy you've been with has constantly disrespected(doesn't only mean hit/curse),if he's unappreciative, selfish, self absorbed,uncaring, and everything else,chances are he just doesn't give an ass about you, because let's be real here, once or twice is a mistake, three four an five times?? ..... Well I'll let you figure that out. 

I've also come to realize that females tend to forgive a guy who shows you nine out of ten times that he doesn't care, faster than someone else who has done something really insignificant... why though?? Is it the sex?? That shit must be really good... Funny thing is,the people in this type of relationship, don't even realize that they're going nowhere really fast. And are always quick to get defensive when you point out reality to them. I always say, if something I may have said, offends you, ask yourself why, instead of getting angry at me.... 

Ways to make things better

Fighting in a relationship can be extremely draining. Any amount of tension seems to be felt ten times as much as it is with a friend or family member. That could be because sex is involved…Either way, you don’t want to make that feeling even worse, and you don’t want to prolong it.

So here are some tips to avoid this…

Joke about it

Once a fight is over, it's over. Don’t make passive aggressive comments about something your guy/girl did wrong after you’ve made up. Don’t bring up the thing he did to piss you off as a story to entertain your friends or family. You may not be meaning to actually fight about it again, but pretty much any manner in which you bring it up will stir up tension again.

Stacking things up

Don’t wait until your guy/girl has done something wrong a number of times before yelling “you always do this!” He didn’t realize he always did this! He didn’t realize that this was a problem at all. But if you let him do it multiple times before you bring it up, he has to deal with multiple times the wrath. The first time he does it, say something. Don't be so afraid to lose a guy that you tolerate and tolerate until you blow up, because by then it will be too late to fix anything and your worst nightmare will become a reality.

Confronting at the wrong time

Don’t be that couple who makes others uncomfortable by arguing in public. On a double date with your best friends, or at dinner with your parents, or even just standing in line at the grocery store is not the best place to bring an issue up for the first time. Then, your man has to deal with the added stress of being watched while he tries to dig himself out of a hole.

Holding it in

It’s healthier to expose how something makes you feel—even if that means using some harsh words—than to cover it up. And, come on, he’s a man. He will appreciate that straight-forwardness because in general, that is how men talk with their friends. 

Turning it outward

He doesn’t need to know that whatever it is he did made him look like an idiot, or proved that he is a complete a**hole. All he needs to know is how it made you feel. The fight shouldn’t be about making him feel bad, it should be about making you feel better.

Bringing someone else into it

Do not tell him that your mom, your brother, his'your best friend and all of your friends “totally agree with me on this.” And that they all think he is selfish, ignorant, insensitive or x, y, z just like you do. You don’t need their opinion to back you up. It will just annoy the hell out of your guy that you’ve been talking about him behind his back, and if he cares enough about you, all he needs to know is what you think of him. Not what the town thinks

Talking down to him

Don’t use a sarcastic tone. Don’t sit him down, hold his hand and talk slowly as if you’re instructing a kindergartener. Being put in that sort of position really aggravates a man. Say what you have to say matter of factly. Look him square in the eye. Don’t beat around the bush or use metaphors.

It's so much better to work on a problem as it arises. Don't put it off or run away from it. That only makes matters worst 

STOP THE INSANITY

Only utter bs can stop me from going to sleep. So I'm here to express my thoughts on this crazy stupid matter. 
Ladies, Ladies, Ladies, Ladies!!! Get your shit together!!. 
If the man you are with does not treat you right, not spectacular, extraordinary or amazing, but just right, then something is wrong!. You're not asking for houses, diamonds, cars or anything of the sort,  just a little love and appreciation, and you can't get it, then something is WRONG!. 


For the females who aren't even in a relationship, yet have all the problems of someone who does and some, yall are stupid. And yes the rest of the world perceives you as such, so saying "I'm not an ass" or "No one can take me for an ass" is honestly, false advertising. Someone is taking you for a ride... Like an ass, without the commitment. And I bet he has a gf... urghh Stupid! You should be worth enough that someone will be willing to commit to you. If not, you're selling yourself short, get yo ass off the sales rack!!!. Don't put yourself there and then expect to be treated like Couture.

For those of yall in relationships. If you're partner isn't acting right by you, then no amount of tweets, pictures, or statuses can make him change!!! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!! COMMUNICATE!! lay it all on the table and fix the problems, sort them out and find solutions, and if nun can be fixed, come to the realization that it wasn't meant to be. Because, the more pictures, statues and UNAVAILABLE statuses, isn't going to stop the same thing from happening. If you're sitting there hoping that one day he'll care enough to ask what's wrong, or your statuses, or pics will make a light bulb go off in his head, then you're wasting precious time that you will NEVER get back. 


PLEASE LEARN TO COMMUNICATE!!!!!!

No Grey area.. It's wrong!

Cheating doesn’t just start at someone’s lips and end in their pants. Cheating describes anything you do with someone that you wouldn’t want your partner to know about. So many people engage in sketchy behavior and say, “It’s not technically cheating.” Oh yeah? Then why don’t you call up your partner and tell them in detail what you did? No? Don’t want to do that? Exactly. If you really love someone, your mentality shouldn’t be, “What can I get away with?” It should be, “I want to be super conscious that I don’t even accidentally find myself in a situation that would hurt my partner.” And, all of these situations would.

Pondering about what could have been

Sometimes someone from the past drops into your life—someone who you almost got with, or who there was always sexual tension with. They start running in the same social circles as you. But now, you’re taken. It’s immature but sometimes those people will try to engage you in conversations that start with something like, “It’s a shame we never got together.” It’s always flattering—yes. But, how would your partner like to know that you replied to that with, “I know. I was always so attracted to you.” How would you like to stumble across a little instant message chat between your partner and someone else that looked like that? If somebody from the past tries to get you into a chat like that, you should immediately say, “Well, I’m honestly really happy with the person I’m with now.”

Your friendship is based on sexual tension

No one will ever admit when they have a friendship like this. You might be in a happy relationship but, you have one single male friend who, you know, if he got into a relationship, you wouldn’t be friends with anymore. What does that say? That what’s holding that BS “friendship” together is the possibility of “what if?” a likelihood that vanishes if you are both taken. If you know you’d be envious to see one of your male friends with another female, you either need to end that friendship or end your relationship, because clearly you’re not 100% committed to or realistic about either.

A friend who likes you

Do you have a friend who is in love with you? He blatantly says things like, “I’m going to try to steal you from your man” or sends you texts saying, “I’m thinking about you…” Not only is it completely unfair to your partner for you to keep someone like this in your life, but why are you keeping that friend around? Simple: you want attention. You need attention. It’s more important to you than being faithful and yes, if you’re indulging that sort of attention from another man, you’re being emotionally unfaithful. If you do anything short of telling that person they’ve got to get out of your life, then you’re indulging a deep and dark desire for attention. It is your responsibility to make that behavior stop. And, it’s yours because you’re the one who has the power to hurt your boyfriend’s feelings. Your lovesick friend isn’t responsible to anyone’s feelings. He’s single.

Don’t ask, don’t tell

This goes back to the need for attention issue. If you’re ever in a situation where clearly someone is entertaining the idea of hitting on you or trying to hook up with you, and you do not tell him you’re in a relationship, something’s wrong in that head of yours. If you’re out with a group of single girlfriends and you meet a group of single males, who you end up spending most of the night with—fine. But, if your 3 girls are hitting it off with 3 of the guys, and the 4^th one is eagerly sticking by your side, how would your boyfriend like to know that you never told him you were in a relationship? How would he like to know that you let this guy believe all night he was earning brownie points towards sleeping with you? How would you like if the reverse happened? The excuse, “He didn’t ask, so I didn’t tell him I had a boyfriend” doesn’t fly. What would the harm be in telling him? Oh yeah. You wouldn’t get attention anymore.

He has a girlfriend/wife

Sometimes a man just doesn’t know what he wants. He’s got a girlfriend. He also wants you. You really want him. Instead of being strong and walking away, you allow yourself to engage in what you believe is a “gray area.” You get late night drinks with this guy and have deep conversations that the girlfriend never knows about. You never touch. But, you are both 100% aware of and communicative about the fact you’re attracted to each other. But, you never touch, so it’s okay—right? WRONG. How would you like to be that guy’s girlfriend? Honestly, you’re just letting a selfish and immature guy have his cake and eat it too by engaging in this type of behavior. You’re carrying on an emotional affair.

CHILD PLEASE, if you’re already having to say things like, “He started it” “I’m not doing anything” or anything of the sort you know you’re engaging in something wrong. People have a tendency to start or continue things, and when the party is ready to move forward, they are afraid to commit to them, for the fear of losing what they have.  YOU can always take responsibility and stop it. The fact that YOU are not doing anything might be the problem—you could block that phone number, ignore those texts and tell someone to go away.

Awful Reasons to stay

We’ve all been in that relationship before where our friends, family and coworkers wonder why you’re still in. Sure, it started out great, with all of the thrill and fireworks of new and exciting love. He chased you, won your heart and told you everything you wanted to hear; he made you feel so beautiful, so alive, so wanted.

But, bit by bit, things started to change. There were fights, hurt feelings and things that were said that shouldn’t be said to anyone. There were also scars that couldn’t heal and there may have been infidelity. It just keeps getting worse. Of course, there were also apologies and the highly dramatic make-ups that seemed like the only thing that brought you close to that original excitement that you now wanted to get back to so badly … but you could never quite get there. So, you settled for the break-up and make-up rollercoaster ride to fill the emotional void that was ever widening.

Ultimately you find yourself submissive to a constant feeling of depression, which — when coupled with a lack of communication and support — leads to a life that’s just utterly lacking in love. But, still, you can’t let go.What is it that forces us to stay in relationships that aren’t good for us? There are many reasons, but more often than not, it’s a combination of several motivations. The first step towards making your situation better is in understanding why you’re making the choices you’re making to begin with. 

1. You're afraid you're getting old. You're afraid if you leave, you'll feel desperate to find someone else quickly because you think you're running out of time. You may also feel that if you can just make this work it will be much better than having to start all over again with someone new or you may feel the pressure of your biological clock ticking. Bad relationships don't get better with age.

2. You're afraid of being lonely. This is one of the most common reasons for staying in a relationship that's just not working. You may have very clear memories of how alone you felt on those long lonely Saturday nights when you had no plans and nobody to be with. As much as we all long for someone to share the beautiful, special moments in life with, as well as someone to be intimate with, being with the wrong person just for the sake of avoiding being alone will ultimately lead to more pain and sadness than the pain of loneliness.

3. You're stuck in the fairytale. It started out as such a storybook romance. He was the knight in shining armor, you the damsel in distress. Or, it was such a fateful, romantic chance meeting that brought the two of you together that you just know it was destiny, and you'll do whatever it takes to fulfill that destiny. But, the reality is something more like this: he was charming in the beginning, you had some great chemistry, but you're not really compatible in your goals, values, or beliefs. It's time to let go of the fairytale and see it for what it really is: a bad match. 

4. You feel guilty about the idea of leaving him. You want to get out, and you know it's not healthy for either of you, but you know he'll be devastated and you don't want to hurt him. You may also feel that if you leave him, he won’t be able to find another woman who will care for him, and he'll fall into a depression.

5. You're feeling pressure from family or friends. You know he's not the right guy for you, but your family likes him so much and you just don't want to upset them. Or, all of your siblings and most of your friends are married already, and everyone's questioning when you're going to settle down, asking you "when's the wedding?" 

6. It's easy. The relationship is not great, and certainly not what you always wanted, but it fits in your comfort zone, and you're afraid of change. He's not the worst partner, and who knows if you'll find anything better; as the saying goes, the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know. Trust in your heart that when you learn how to find and choose the kind of guy that's right for you, change will be good.

7. You're afraid that no one else will want you. You're afraid you won't be chosen by anyone else, so you stick with what you've got. This one is all too common, and is due to low self-confidence and low self-esteem. The good news is that it's fixable, and you can have fun in the process. By trying new things, learning new skills, and finding out what makes you happy, you will build up your confidence levels. Finally, your self-esteem will automatically rise with it.

No Super Power

Hi guys :).. So I have this to say..
Ladies when you're in a relationship, please remember that when you have a problem with something your partner does, you need to voice it, instead of reacting to something, that he may not be aware that he is doing. Men aren't psychics, they won't know why you're upset, grow up and do you both a favor, and say what's on your mind, so that you can fix it.  

Don't be caught of guard

Despite divorce being so common, many couples are caught off guard when it actually happens to them. They believe that if they just begin to love one another again, everything will turn out fine. This myth, however, lulls them into missing the warning signs that suggest that their marriage is in trouble.  Here are 10 ways to tell if your marriage is over:

1. Sex is consistently boring and a task. A satisfying sex life is vital to health and happiness. A long-term frustration of this basic human need can signal the end of a marriage.

2. There are many problems and only a few solutions. The incapability to negotiate and find workable solutions to common relationship issues turns partners into bitter rivals.

3. Character slaying happens in your marriage. Name-calling, foul language, condescending put-downs, and personal attacks aimed at embarrassing and hurting a spouse are a sure path to divorce.

4. You're angry all the time. Accumulated anger kills love! If you and your spouse don't know how to handle anger and it piles up like a mountain in your relationship, divorce is inevitable.

5. One of you cheats. With a lot of professional help, most marriages survive can when a partner cheats once. Repeated affairs cause so much pain divorce is usually sought after relief.

6. There is selfishness within your marriage. Marriage is a give and take relationship and it's about making your partner's needs a top priority. Self-centered husbands or wives have partners who feel ignored and neglected will eventually want out at all costs.

7. One or both of you always needs to be right. When your partner's always right and you're always wrong, it feels suffocating. When you do not have a voice that's heard and appreciated marriage turns into a dictatorship. Divorce provides you that desirable freedom that you do not receive from your spouse.

8. It's not in the kiss anymore. When you would rather have sex than passionately kiss, your marriage is in deep trouble.

9. The conversations are over. The best way to have a happy marriage is to talk your way through it. This means sharing thoughts and feelings so that you're emotionally in sync. Without this bond, marriage is an empty and lonely place where partners want to leave.

10. There is too little or too much money. When both partners need to work and one earns significantly more than the other, especially if it's the wife, control issues can sabotage the marriage.  However too much extra cash, when partners are not careful, can fuel a party on lifestyle that invites temptations that cause damage to a marriage as well as the lasting values that remind us of what's really important in life.  

Homophobes? You're Probably Gay

That's right, haters. You're more likely to be gay than us tolerant folk.

It's not a secret that if someone outwardly and obsessively hates something it's likely because of one of two reasons. They're either jealous and their jealousy fuels their hatred, or they recognize something they hate about themselves in the thing on which their disdain is focused.

Remember when former Republican senator Larry Craig, who was always so anti-gay rights, got caught "tapping" his foot in a men's bathroom, looking for some man-on-man love? Hypocrite! Even more well-known is Ted Haggard, the crazy gay-hating evangelical Christian who, despite his sermons that condemned homosexuality, was getting busy with a male escort and doing crystal meth to boot. It wouldn't be until 2011, five years after that scandal broke, that Haggard admitted to being "bisexual." Can we be remotely surprised at either of these? It seems like simple logic to me.

Now a recent study has confirmed what many of us already assumed. All that homophobia is just proof that you're repressing some same-sex attraction of your own. That's right, haters, you are more likely to be gay than those of us are of the "live and let live" mentality. Honestly, this can't possibly shock you. All the wasted energy on such vile hatred has to stem from somewhere, and usually it's an inner conflict, especially for those who are raised in religious families and communities.

This study, which will hopefully rip certain right-wingers a new something-or-other, was published in April's Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Thanks to research that was conducted in the U.S. and Germany, scientists found evidence that supports the "psychoanalytic theory that fear, anxiety, and aversion that toward gays and lesbians can grow out of a seemingly heterosexual individual's own repressed same-sex desires." Co-author Richard Ryan, who is a professor of psychology at the University of Rochester, also said that although we can laugh at this "blatant hypocrisy" on the part of these haters, the fact is that "homophobia is not a laughing matter." He's very right.

The study also confirms that children who are raised in a home where they're accepted unconditionally, as opposed to those who are forced to conform, grow up not only more accepting of themselves, but more accepting of the differences in others no matter what their sexual orientation. Again, not exactly news, because we all know that if you raise your kids to hate, then they will more than likely hate. However, it's a heartening confirmation. 

Well, it's always nice to be right. I hope this study changes at least some bigots' minds. Now go forth and allow others to love (and marry) whoever they want.

Crazy lady syndrome

Let’s face it: women have a tendency to overkill reflection. We ponder the “what ifs” to such a degree we talk ourselves into believing all sorts of nonsense. Only a woman would believe, for example, that the reason her man didn’t come home when he said he would was because he was in some horrible accident. The real reason the cute online guy didn’t write you back? Because he accidentally deleted that carefully constructed email you sent, so you had better send him another one—just in case. No phone call? Broken/dead/lost/stolen phone. Sounds familiar?

Occasionally I will regret a few things that just happen to pop out of my mouth OR wish I had avoided doing something-or-other OR totally agonize over some stupid shit I could have experienced if only . . . .

Take these last 72 hours, for instance. I had an absolutely wonderful, successful day and I’m still racking my brain over how much better it would have been had I done things just a wee bit differently. Then I think about how much better my whole life would be if I didn’t repeat some of the same patterns that surface almost on a daily basis. THEN I worry over all of the bullshit things I have absolutely no control over but sort of secretly believe I can affect. Why? 

Anyway, I was able to be a part of a crazy lifetime movie scenario. One involving a taken jealous female and a handsome guy, the whole situation made me think omg those crazy ladies from lifetime are real!! It’s not made up!.lol, seriously though, we as females, and I say we because I know I’ve done it so many times, tend to take this much further in our heads, in our minds, when we’re alone, we fantasize about certain situations, and even though there may be nothing serious going on, and we’ve been told that, we can’t help but have little pretend family gatherings, weddings and future babies in our minds… sounds crazy right?. But it’s true. And we project it, although we feel like we don’t, if I replay scenarios, or over think something in my head, and make it more than what it is, and then I begin to act on it, subconsciously.  And in the end, I’ll end up hurt, because feelings intensify on my end and no one else’s.

So the next time you find yourself doing this, please stop yourself!!!! It doesn’t end well if you’re the only one feeling this way or doing this, especially if the other party has already made their intentions clear. 

Where do you lie

Dating and forming a relationship with someone is less of a spectacle when you are an ordinary person in society, rather than a celebrity, but questionable intentions are sometimes still there. Whether your new beau happens to be a notable partner at the business place, or a respected member of your church, have you evaluated your “true” intentions for dating them? Could you be dating someone for their status and the connections they have, or vice versa?

Although it might not be as noticeable, it should still be evaluated the same. Yes, a relationship is a give and take partnership, but make sure the intentions of both parties are pure, not professionally or personally beneficial. Nobody likes feeling or being used.

Are you benefiting from your partner, or is your partner benefiting from you in the wrong ways? Here are three problems with that type of relationship:

1. It leaves room for speculation 

None of us likes to be criticized for our relationship status or the reasons behind it, but a relationship based on convenience will always be questioned, whether the intentions are pure or not. 

2. What’s really keeping that person around?

While you would probably like to think that your man is with you because you’re just that awesome, if you’re being used, once what he’s trying to get from you is gone or withheld (money, contacts, sex, etc), you’re going to be left real fast. Being used like that and allowing it to happen in the hopes that something real will form can bring on more heartbreak than is necessary.

3. What type of statement are you making about yourself?

And if you are the user in this relationship, how are you representing yourself, taking part in a relationship that doesn’t seem meaningful? It could come across as saying that you are only the type of person who dates for status, money, convenience, etc. I’m not saying that you’re a goldigger, but…hey, you kind of are.

Sorry Guys

Hi darlings! It's been awhile and I'm sorry, I've been busy and sort of out of it, but I'm back :). I hope that all is well and do enjoy what I have written tonight. Love you all and be safe.

Much Love and Kisses
Gabby :*

What you MUST know!

Awwww, you're in a new relationship and all things seem so wonderful! You may be feeling those butterflies in your stomach, you laugh at all your partner's jokes, feel warm and tingly inside. This is the time that you truly feel and believe that you may have met the right one! Maybe he seems to display all the qualities about what women really want in a man. But, we’ve also been there and done that. All new relationships feel great, which is why we call it the “Honeymoon” phase.
That phase doesn’t last forever. Your relationship evolves over time and you want to get off on the right foot. The following 5 Essential early relationship tips will help guide and nourish your relationship in the early stages with your new boo.

 #1: Always be yourself

At any stage, it’s important that you are always yourself. This is not the time to pretend to be someone that you’re not just because you don’t want to risk losing this person. If you are not yourself, you will have a very difficult time pretending to be someone that you’re not for the entirety of the relationship.
If you are going above and beyond and in essence being “phony” just to impress your partner in the early stages, well you’re only making things difficult on yourself because your new beau actually believes that you are sweet and romantic ALL THE TIME. And the minute that you start to relax and return to your normal average niceness, it will be noticed immediately. I’ve heard countless complaints from couples and singles about how their partner changed over time. Well he “used to” open car doors for me and bring me flowers and all of a sudden one day it stopped. Please do yourself a favour and do not false advertise. This is a sure way for your relationship to come to an eventual end, and will be looking for advice on relationship problems.
You are at the early stage of a relationship. If you are thinking long term, you will have lots of time to impress your partner and give them attention and affection and occasional surprises for the length of the relationship. If you pull out all the stops up front, you will be struggling and challenged to keep it up. If you are yourself, you are comfortable and natural and this goes a lot further than pretending to be someone you're not. You will come across as fake and you confuse your partner when you stop with the charade. If your goal is to be in a long-term relationship, then you would want to know that your new partner really likes you for who you truly are and accepts you as is..

 #2: Always be clear

In the early stages you want to make sure that you have very open communication. If you are always clear about your goals, your likes, your dislikes and your feelings, you will always know where you stand in that relationship. It is not a time to “hide” things from your partner. If you have certain habits and regular activities such as smoking, or a regular card night with the boys, or going to Church on Sundays then you want to be honest and upfront and share with your partner things that are important to you and anything that is routine in your life. It is extremely important to communicate and be very clear about your relationship goals. If you are not looking for a long-term relationship or you are ONLY interested in a marriage partner and want to have kids and a family right away, you want to make sure that you are on the same page. This doesn’t mean that you scare this person off by sharing popular baby names for boys or looking in the Real Estate section of your newspaper asking what your partner thinks of the new house you’d like to move into. It just means that before you start to invest time, feelings and financial resources on your partner, make sure that you agree on the important things and that you share core values.

#3: Go with the Flow

Communication and trust are the foundations of any successful relationship. You can read all about the do’s and don’ts and read all the rules out there about dating and still be completely lost or feel that it may not apply to your situation. Everyone’s views on relationships vary slightly or greatly so the best advice I can share with you is to go with the flow and also listen to your gut. You should always be in tune with how this person makes you feel. What does your gut say? What are your thoughts about this person and what are your thoughts about relationships in general? If you’ve been hurt in the past, do not make the mistake of stereo typing your partner as a cheater, or treating them as if they’re guilty because you lack trust. Learn from your past experiences and don’t repeat them. You are in a new situation with a totally different person so playing the comparison game is not good.

Things that can cause your friendship to frizzle

Most times when we're young we think that the friends we have then, would be the friends we have later on in life. Most times we're wrong and here's a list of things that can cause your friendship to end. 

Money

Loaning money to anyone is naturally an issue. One person would worry about when they’re going to get it back, the other party may be bothered by having to borrow it. The lender should be able to say to themselves, “if I don’t get this money back, it’s okay because it’s not worth my friendship.” The borrower in turn, should be thinking, “I really need to pay my friend back. She looked out when I needed her most”. Any other setup, just won’t work. When money is lent and not paid back, it’s typically time to pack it up.

Relationships

She dislikes your boo and doesn’t want to be around him. You’re so in love, you don’t even notice that you two barely talk anymore and she hardly comes over. The thing is, a true friend wouldn’t allow her opinion of your new lover to affect the relationship she has with you. She doesn’t have to be around him, but she can still let you have your moment.  On the low, she’d probably only come around when she knows he’s not there but that’s still cool.  The chances of that really happening are slim though. Why does she hate him so much anyway? It could be all of those fights you told her about. Maybe it was the admittance of your suspicions that he’s cheating. Either way, you can’t tell your friend something and expect her to be as forgiving of him as you may be. Ultimately, your girl will be looking at you funny because she doesn’t comprehend why you’re still with such a jerk. Be cautious of the things you share with regard to your relationship. Every disagreement is not for your girl to hear.

Telling Secrets

As an adult, no one should have to tell their friend to keep a secret. Discretion should be practice without fail. The easiest way to lose a friend is to relinquish information they trusted you with. A simple sorry doesn’t fix that type of disloyalty. Assume that most things told to you shouldn’t be shared. Be like most people, and tell someone else who doesn’t know your friend personally. C’mon now…everybody does that.

Lack of Support

Every time you turn around, your friend has a different plan for her life. First, she wants to be a doctor. Then she wants to be a teacher. Now she wants to be a stripper. If she told you tomorrow that she wanted to be a guidance counselor, you should support her. Support would involve asking her about her process, congratulating her on her goal progression, and encouraging her when she’s feeling off her game. Anything else will feel like the act of a hater, particularly if she’s always been your cheerleader. It won’t take long before your friend doesn’t feel like she matters.

Being Competitive

Yes, imitation is the highest form of flattery. However, it seems like every time you get something, your friend either gets the same item or tries to one up you. When you guys were younger, it was probably pretty cool. Now that you’re all grown up, you don’t want to share your style. It’s important to understand and accept each others individuality. If that aspect of your friendship is not nurtured, prepare to feel stifled, if not utterly irritated.

For the Parents.

So often, parents confuse tough love with regular love. Yes you push a child towards greatness, you give them responsibility to prepare them for the future and you raise them to know nothing in the world is free and it's a hard place. But you also have to remember that life is going to be hard and disapproving of them, it's going to chew them up and spit them out, persons will care about there feelings, so give them all the love you can at home, so that at least they have those memories, and if your parents didn't do it for you, make the extra effort to do it for your children. Yes they disappoint sometimes but that's not always their fault, remember you're the parent, and you do have to take some responsibility for how they grow up, yes they may be influenced but if you instil good qualities in them and show them that you do love them, they'll be on the right track.
DO  NOT assume that your child knows that you love them, do not think that your child knows your "tough love" really means that you love them and you want what's best, do not make the same mistakes your parents did. 
Whilst God protects and all that, DO NOT think that he will raise your child, he had you make him/her for a reason, if there was no real purpose for a parent, we would all be put here as grown ups. or drop from the sky to fend for ourselves, do not give your child all the responsibilities in the damn world because you are lazy, because responsibility makes you feel grown up, makes you think that you are older than you  are, because you have grown up, so when he/ she acts like a grown man/woman, remember that is on you, and when we're grown, we do grown up things. 
Speak to your children, don't be an abuser/Drill Sargent, be a friend and a parent. Listen, be there and show them that you care, form a bond in which your child feels that he/she can come to you with any problem. So many of us lack that, and that's why parents don't have a clue, until it's too late.
Do  not think that by not allowing your child the freedom to go anywhere and hang out with friends, that you  are preventing anything, because really, you're making it worst. I am so sure that you did so many things behind your parents backs because they wouldn't let you, you may regret it now, but it's your mistakes, let your child have theirs, and chances are that they won't be as bad, because you actually allow it. Quit playing like you were perfect, because you weren't. Give them the childhood that you wanted to have.

http://www.facebook.com/MahanaimChurch

Smell the breakup

I say it because I've experienced it, I say it because I know people who have experienced it. We've all been in love and maybe had one or two crazy relationships, but the main thing is for your you to learn and when you've learned something, you share it, you shed light. So that's what I am doing, I'm shedding some light on all of yall, please stop blocking your damn eyes!. 

First of all, why do we as women submit so much to men. Don't go getting your damn panties in a knot an picturing Celie from the Color Purple. I mean submit in a way that, you know what you want(hopefully), you know what you need and what you deserve. He is not giving it to you, and you're good with that, well maybe you aren't and you argue about it, but eventually you just let it go and take whatever bs is dished out. 


Every relationship is considered time and effort invested. But when that's basically all you really have, and that's the reason you continue to hold on, I can almost guarantee that 9/10 times, when it's over, you'll think of it as time wasted. Because it's going to be over, you're just holding onto.........idk.. God alone knows, because I'm sure that you don't even know. Please point me in the direction of one guy who says, this girl treats me like shit and doesn't care etc, but I've already invested so much time and effort that I can't leave her(I'll give you a minute to find one) ....... No guy?? huh that's strange.. Yes he might be there still, "holding on" with you and to you, but it's not because he's invested time, you're sure sex.... smh


Point me in the direction of a guy who says" When the main man cone back,these other guys have to know the timing"....(again I will wait)... Why do females do that?. Do we listen to ourselves?


It's not ok constantly to accept shit and play it off as "he's a man so I should accept that, because that's how men are".. No, that's how good for nothing men are. 


And unless he's slow he does need anything more than a few months to get with the mofo program. Stop making excuses!. Lemme guess, he doesn't know how to be faithful? Or he's not used to being in long term relationships with a girl like you? He's not used to being in a serious relationship. Oh please, you must have been dropped on your head if you believe that mess,or whatever else he throws at you. 


And you know what's funny, chances are when he calls off your relationship, he's going to meet someone, who will not compromise and he'll respect that and give her all the things you weren't getting from him. 


Learn to love you and the person that you are with, enough to realize that maybe you're better off being friends. When you're forcing it, it's not meant to be. Or you can still hold onto...well the slight chance that he may come around eventually.